Tuesday, July 6, 2010

A Quick Note

After last week, I didn't want to disappear without letting people know I'm ok.

I will be gone from Wednesday through Sunday, so I probably won't be posting or checking my email until Monday (I may be on Twitter, because I'll have my phone with me).

I talked to my doctor. He recommended meds, but said it was up to me, so I decided to hold off for now.  I think I'll be alright as long as I prioritize getting enough sleep and taking care of myself. I see him again in a few weeks and, if things get bad again before then, I'll probably go on something. I'm still hesitant because I did pretty good on Prozac before, but Zoloft really messed me up when I tried it. We'd go with Prozac this time around, but I'm still skittish about taking anything.

I think just working on staying active and getting rest will help a lot, because the bad days seem to be when I'm going on 2-3 days with little or no sleep. It's just hard to get it, because it feels like night time is the only time I really have to myself anymore, and I don't want to "waste" it by sleeping.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Leveling Out

I don't know that I can say I'm "feeling better", but I'm way ahead of where I was most of this week. Wednesday was one of the worst days I've ever had, and it was pretty much all emotional and in my head type stuff. Nothing happened to cause or trigger anything that I'm aware of, I was just freaking out and not able to get back in control. Billy yelling at me when I was needing his help did sort of push me past my tipping point, but I was already pretty bad off that day so it's not like that was the only problem.

I've felt more level the past day or two. The first few hours on Wednesday night, I felt really numb. It's kind of surreal now, because I remember holding the gun and smelling powder and being pissed off that I missed, but not actually trying to shoot myself, or even how I got into that sort of space where I would so quickly. There's still a hole in the wall over the headboard, which Billy covered with duct tape for now, because it went through to the outside of the house. That's how I knew it wasn't just a really bad dream when I woke up on Thursday - it seemed so normal - the baby was crying to be changed and fed, and I was there alone. The only things that really seemed different were that my hearing is really bad in my left ear now and my right shoulder was really sore from the way I was holding the gun. I was a little pissed that he just went in to work without even checking on me, but the day went ok. Billy had called my psychiatrist the night before, and he had called back first thing in the morning, but on my house phone, which I hardly ever answer. I wasn't up for returning the message, and was feeling more stable once I checked the answering machine, so I didn't return the call. I'm still afraid of ending up back in the hospital with nobody to watch the baby. Billy offered/threatened to call my parents to come up and help, or to drive me to the hospital, but I didn't want either. I want him to show me he actually cares and will try to help, instead of just calling around to find the first person to pawn me off on.

I spent most of the day just taking it easy, because I felt like I couldn't push myself too hard or really do anything other than just make it through the day until I knew I could keep things under control. It actually turned out to be what I needed - I caught up on sleep, drank a bunch of water and tried to eat decent, and spent most of the day chilling in bed with the baby, letting him nap so I could do the same and playing with him or reading books while he was awake. I also finally made time for a run. I really wanted to get out of the house, but didn't want to handle all of the logistics of packing up the baby and stroller and driving to a trail, and driving in general seemed like a really bad idea at the time (I've been in 4 car wrecks while I was under major stress & having episodes like this, one where I totaled a car and was injured pretty seriously, so I try not to drive when I'm feeling extremely anxious or have been zoning out a lot) . Instead, I queued up some music I like and got on the treadmill. I ended up doing 4.5 miles, alternating walking with (very slow) running. It was further than I meant to go, or thought I could go, but it felt pretty good.

I continued taking it easy today, but did get a little bit of housework done and ran some errands with the hubby. I didn't run or anything, but I did some yoga and a short step aerobics tape with light hand weights. I am hoping if I can keep myself in shape that I can keep my mood up, and burn off some of the negative energy at the same time. I'll probably call my doctor back on Monday as well. I am NOT wanting to go back on meds, but have a feeling I may need to with all this going on. It just scares the crap out of me that I may have another really bad episode, and I feel like I can't rely on my husband to help out, at least as far as I'm concerned. I need to get it together fast, and I guess if it takes medication then it's better than the alternative.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

not a good week

i thought i was getting better last week, turns out not. got lost in a town i drive in all the time monday, about got in a wreck - ended up 2 cars wide on one-way street going the wrong way. not cool. driving phobia thing from wreck last year coming back w. major vengeance - supposed to go home visit parents next week, don't even want to be in car.

sorry typing is weird, thoughts are going way too fast to keep up with. trying to use paragraphs and spellcheck, at least. will probably end up editing or deleting this anyway.

called hubby to come home from work yesterday, he was pissed. was hearing/seeing stuff and scared to be alone with the baby. he was pissed, decided it'd be nice weather to mow instead of stay with us. after 5-6 hours, stuff started again. i was alone, got scared, really tense and afraid of hurting someone. i got hubby, told him to come in now, went to bedroom. he fed the baby, then came in and started cussing at me for it, walked out. i got his gun, tried to shoot myself, was shaking so bad i missed. now i can't hear out of my left ear & there's a hole in the wall and he's even more mad about that. i'm afraid to call anyone because there is nowhere to go. can't go in hospital because there's nobody to watch the baby. i'm alone again with him, just feel helpless. i want out, but he'll use this against me to take the baby even though he'd stick him in daycare or with a racist pothead friend all day. i have nowhere to go. no money or job, can't stay with family, too far to drive even if i could. can't handle driving right now

will update/fix when i can, just needed to vent. feel sick to my stomach. too much stress
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